We Answer YOUR Dating Questions (Age Gaps, Red Flags & More)

Niklavs joins me on the podcast to answer your dating and relationship questions together, and this one is packed. 

We cover the truth about dating with an age gap, why dating feels expensive and exhausting (and how to fix that), the one question you should always ask in early dating, and how to actually become the kind of woman a high-value man wants to lock down. Nick shares the male perspective on avoidant men, red flags on a first date, and why he never felt the need to "convince" anyone to commit. 

We also get into how to truly get over an ex, why staying friends after a breakup rarely works, and the difference between a man who sees you as an 8 and a man who sees you as a 10. If you've ever wondered how to raise your standards, spot a red flag early, or know when someone is truly ready to build a future with you, this episode is for you.

Submit your own questions for the next episode on Instagram @maureensmindset.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the podcast. I got so many amazing questions from you ladies about dating, relationships, everything, honestly. Nick Loves is on the podcast today to answer some of these with me together because that's what you guys wanted us to do. The first question I think is really interesting. She says, I'm 36 and 22-year-olds keep hitting on me. I don't know if I fill right with that gap. What would you say?

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Yeah, I think 22-year-old guys have different like different reasons why they're dating often. So they might not be looking for something long term. Although they're hitting on you, they want something from you, but that's not necessarily what you want. If you want something long term, if you're looking for marriage, if you want get get kids. So I would just completely ignore the 20-year-olds.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

I think men take way longer to mature, and a 22-year-old guy is pretty immature usually, especially when at 36 you probably know what you want. You have a vision, you know your future, and a 22-year-old can have a tendency to be kind of wishy-washy about. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

And I remember myself in 22, uh when I was 22, and those were not the my top priorities, you know, finding something long-term and building towards marriage. Just at 22, you have different things as a guy as a priority, usually.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

Another question is I'm not enjoying dating. It's time consuming, expensive, and awkward. I think my advice for that would be uh might be dating the wrong people. Also, if it's expensive, why is it expensive? Because for me, when I went on dates, I didn't pay for stuff and I was clear about that up front, so it wasn't overly expensive. And if it's time consuming, you can definitely reduce the time it takes. Uh for example, if a guy asked you out for dinner in a movie, you can be the one that says, actually, I prefer to just do coffee, which takes like 45 minutes or 15 minutes.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Yeah, 100%. Coffee dates all the way for the first date. And yeah. And it's a good filter. If the guy doesn't pay for the date, that's your answer often. So it shouldn't be expensive.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

What question should you ask men in early dating?

SPEAKER_01 2:14

What is why he why is he dating? Right? The guy will tell you. And if he's dodgy about it, then it's also an answer.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

I think I like asking when I was dating, I asked men, where do you see yourself in five years? And then a lot of guys will say, like, oh, I see myself super successful, I have a house, I have this, I have that. And then the most important thing to look at, are his actions today aligned with the vision he wants to build? Because a lot of guys will tell you he has this amazing future plan, but none of his actions align with that. And then a lot of times men will have good actions and a good vision, and then their vision includes a family or marriage, and then I know that okay, that's what I'm also looking for. I think it's a huge competitive advantage to get him to share his vision first, because I was in relationships in the past where I'd be like, Oh, yeah, I'm looking for this and I'm looking for this, and then the guy would be like, That's exactly what I'm looking for too. And then, like a few months into the relationship, I find out that is not what he was looking for.

SPEAKER_01 3:13

Yeah, remember, you didn't tell me what you were looking for, but you did ask these things. Clearly go down's what you wanted, but uh yeah, you didn't tell me what you want, so I couldn't just easily just tell you what you want to hear.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Mm-hmm. Yeah, because it's easy, it's easy for a guy to tell you exactly what you want to hear if you tell him exactly what you're looking for.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Um And at the time I didn't know that's what you're doing, so you were like pretty very smooth with like this. Just like you're just curious, you know.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Curiously asking you 300 questions on my second date. Um how do I get a high value man if I'm single?

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Um by well, it's a boring answer, but by working on yourself, becoming high value yourself, and once you high value yourself, you just get into different circles of people, and then it's way easier to find a high-value guy if you're like just hanging out with people who care about their fitness, who care about their health, who care about their uh self-development mindset, all that.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

And you might need to move out of your small town because I was reading self-improvement books every week. I was listening to podcasts, I was going to the gym, I was eating healthy, and then I'd walk outside in my town, and I'm like, why are all the guys dusty here? And the more I poured into myself, the less guys there were in my town to date because I leveled up so much that like no one was meeting my standards. And we had a woman say that that she says, like, she doesn't feel like anyone's meeting her standards, and you might be in the wrong environment because once I moved to a different place, like I moved to Arizona, and then I started traveling around the world more, and you don't even have to go around the world, you don't have to travel to Europe, just like traveling to a city that aligns with you, even just booking like a one-day trip. I would go to like a conference that was just a two-hour flight away from where I lived in Virginia, and then you'd be in a room with like a hundred guys that are also interested in that specific conference. But I could have worked for 10 years in my small town saying hi to every guy I ever interacted with and never found a husband, and it's not like there was something wrong with me. I was just really in the wrong environment for what I was looking for.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah. And just a a high, I think high um high index for women would be also to go to the gym. Because I think finding a guy who goes to the gym is like an overpowered move because there's way less women usually in the gym. And the guys who show up, they usually are consistent, they care about their health, they care about their uh like uh appearance and everything. And it's a place where you go regularly. So if you like a guy, you first time can just say hi to him, and then after a week, when you see him again, straight away you can already struck up a conversation.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

So yeah, especially gym going to a gym in a city or something, because like in my small town, the gym had like the same three guys, but then when I went and worked out when I was like traveling, there would be like way more guys to talk to. And I think I talked about this in an Instagram reel once. Expensive grocery stores are the way because if a guy is shopping at an expensive grocery store, he's not ordering out, he's not doing like Uber Eats, he has probably a house if he's going and buying steaks or whatever. And like as long as you can tell he's not married, like the single guys in grocery stores, the amount of guys that will like ask you out in grocery store if you just smile at them is actually absurd. I don't think women realize that in your day-to-day life, doing the things you like doing, if you just smile and make eye contact with more people, the amount of men that will approach you is actually crazy. I mean, it is scary to smile at people, but the good thing is you only have to smile at people that you'd be comfortable with speaking to you. You get to select it.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

No.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

How do I get him to acknowledge the benefits of proposing sooner rather than later?

SPEAKER_01 7:07

If a guy doesn't want to do something by himself, no amount of convincing will change this conversation and change this the outcome.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

I actually answered this question on my Instagram stories. I'm just gonna like read that answer because I wrote this. Um don't convince them. Imagine yourself as artwork, the best artwork in the world that's worth millions of dollars, wouldn't be telling people, please commit to me. I'm amazing, I'm worth it. It would realize that some men just aren't smart enough to realize how valuable you are and will never be able to keep you for life. Other men will instantly see your value and be willing to do anything to keep you. Nikolov says when he dated me that he could feel that if I didn't commit, I would happily move on and find a guy that would, kind of like artwork in a museum. It doesn't care who wants it and brings it home and showers it in affection. It's just waiting and it's like not gonna accept someone that doesn't invest the value it's worth. Then you don't just have to wait. Like you can be smiling as a piece of artwork or initiating or doing whatever, but I was happy to move on and find a guy who would commit to me if Nikolaus wasn't gonna commit to me because I was looking for someone that would invest in me, commit to me, be my long-term partner. And that's because I truly believed that like I had followed through on so many promises I made to myself that I had enough conviction and confidence to know that like if Nikolovs didn't commit, some other guy would. And I think Nikols can feel that and he can talk to what he thinks on it. And I never asked you to propose, I never brought up the conversation multiple times. I was never like, oh, I want you to do this or I want it to be like this. Um, because I knew I was valuable and the right man would see that. And if Niklovs didn't see that I was valuable, then I didn't want him to be my future husband. Like I dated some guys that I could tell they thought I was an eight out of 10. And I'm like, that's great. To me, to meet, to him, my value is an eight out of 10. I'm not looking for a guy that thinks I'm an eight out of 10. I'm looking for a guy that sees my unique skill sets and thinks I'm a 10 out of 10. Because in previous relationships, like I was an entrepreneur and the guy I was dating wasn't an entrepreneur. So when I would talk about my passion of entrepreneurship, he would kind of be checked out or not interested into him. That was probably a drawback that I was in business. But like to Nick Loves, that's a huge benefit. So then he could see my value, and then I knew he was willing to invest.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

The right guy will be eager to lock you in and propose once he has all the data, and you don't really need that much data. The guy doesn't really need that much data to decide whether you're worth locking down, and if he's not making that decision, it's he's probably not the right guy. Because uh if a guy sees something's voluble, he wants to lock it down and make it permanent.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

And he can't chase what doesn't move. So I'm a huge believer in a move, so much so that if he doesn't move with you, you leave him behind you, basically, so they can pass relationships. I would date guys that like never went to the gym or stopped going to the gym. And then I just thought to myself, like, I'm not gonna tell him what to do. I'm just gonna keep moving towards my fitness goals, and then I ended up getting so fit that I no longer tolerated a guy that wasn't fit. And that's an analogy for a lot of things in a guy. Like, if he's not loving you at the best level, if you love yourself so, so much, and I know this sounds like cringy TikTok advice, just love yourself, but I really did lean into giving myself everything I wanted a guy to give me. So the only thing he could offer me was like how he treated me, and I wasn't like latching on to a guy to fill a lack I had, and then I was able to move towards my goals, and when I was moving, I ended up leaving a lot of guys behind me because they couldn't keep up, versus if I stagnated in the relationship and was going the same speed he was going, then it would be easy for him to wait five years to propose because he could feel that like I'm not going anywhere, I'm not gonna leave you. I think basically every guy that dated me knew that if they didn't show up right, I would leave. And that's what dating is for. It's for collecting data, and if it's not the right person, being confident enough to leave, that way you can find your husband. Okay, another question. Do you think your man should be a gentleman with other women opening doors, etc.? Um, I answered this also on my Instagram stories, and I love it when you're kind to other women. And this is what I said on my Instagram. I said, I love it when Nicholas is kind to other women, opening doors, carrying bags. He offered to help a woman carry her suitcase. And when I saw that, it made me very happy because I know my value and I know other women are not my competition. I read a book about how if you see a pretty woman, some women will instantly tell her man, oh, but like she had work done, that's why she's pretty, or she's actually not pretty because the outfit is just and then another woman will say something like, She's gorgeous, I love her hair. And the woman that says the second thing, not only is that the kind answer, but that's the woman that's confident and magnetic, and it honestly makes the man realize that you're not worried and you see yourself as valuable too. It's the kind, it's the kind thing and it's the most magnetic thing. And I trust Nyklavs. And if I were with a guy who I was worried would cheat on me, it would make me uncomfortable if he helped other women. But because Niklav's is so trustworthy, it makes me really happy when he's like opening doors for other women or helping other women. And I think in dating, if a guy ever made me uncomfortable when he was helping a woman with something like opening a door or like doing something nice for her, I would ask myself two questions. One, either I'm in must insecure, so therefore I have the ability to change that and fix that, or he's not trustworthy, hence why it makes me uncomfortable when he's nice to women because I think maybe he would cheat on me or something. So you put it in one of two categories. And if you find out that you're always the one that's worried, then maybe you're insecure and you can work on that. And that's how I used to feel in some relationships. In other relationships, I was with a guy that I don't think was trustworthy, and that's why it made me feel uncomfortable. And then I knew, okay, it makes me really uncomfortable when he's like talking to other women because I knew that behind my back he would be like 10 times more friendly and he would be the type of guy that wouldn't be husband material in his actions behind my back, and then I knew I could leave that relationship and move on. And I think dividing into those two categories gives you a sense of clarity on what action you need to do to fix it.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Mm-hmm. No.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Did you ever regret losing a relationship because you didn't know if there was something better? I think every woman thinks that if she breaks up with a guy, what if she never finds something better? And every single time I always found better. From the first breakup I went through, the next guy was a bit better in some categories or and or taught me something about what I was looking for. And I feel like every breakup leveled me up and changed my perspective and made me more informed as to exactly what I was looking for in a future husband. And once you go through one breakup, I think then you realize how powerful it is, and then it gives you more confidence to go through the next one.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Yeah. That's why you should date fast and break up fast as well.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Like It doesn't need to take three years per person. You can date someone for like four weeks or for three months and then have pretty good clarity.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Exactly, because how much data do you need to make a decision? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Because you proposed to me after ten months.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Would have done that sooner. I just knew it in Azores, but I knew it probably in like four months. But you're like the per uh six months. But yeah, it was very clear pretty fast.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Another question can an avoidant man still be interested in her? Yeah, he could be interested, but that doesn't mean he's the right option. You don't want an avoidant man. This is what I told her. I said, like, I wish I knew this sooner. You don't want an avoidant man. Yeah, they're interesting, yeah, they could give you dopamine, but they will slowly make you feel anxious and worried, and they don't give you deep peace. You deserve a man who is ready, who shows up for you, and who actually invests in you. Because if there's an avoidant guy then and he's avoidant in dating, he's gonna be avoidant in the relationship, he's gonna be avoidant when he's proposing to you. You don't want to get into that situation.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

As a father, he's gonna be avoidant. He's like yeah, just you were never avoidant to me.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Even though you were busy, you were never avoidant.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

For sure. Yeah, because you were my priority and uh one of the priorities, and uh yeah, well. Yeah, just don't get avoiding, guys. Sorry. I cannot emphasize it at all. Why would somebody be a if they're truly interested?

SPEAKER_00 15:51

What are some immediate red flags on a first date? What are some red flags for you that you see in women? Like when you went on first dates, what were some red flags and you were like, uh, I don't want to.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

I don't really think about my previous dates that much, so I need to recall uh all the dates that I've been on. Um Honestly, women are way better dating than vet. I I I've never been on a crazy date where women had like plenty of red flags first uh first uh time we met. Obviously, there were just no vibes sometimes, and that was it. Like there's just no vibes. Um she does that, like that's it. No, I think you do need to go to a couple days to really see a true red flag for women, at least when I read women. What about what about you?

SPEAKER_00 16:39

I actually think we're have like yeah, they see so many red flags in red. I don't know why it's that way, but it was that way because I had so many first date horror stories, like so many red flags. I think um I wrote this to this woman and she was asking us how he treats and talks about the people in his life. Because I dated this guy, and he was like, we had just hung out with his friends, and then we got back, and then he was like, Yeah, honestly, I like just hate all my friends, I just don't like them, and like and the whole time he was hanging out with his friends, he was acting like he liked them. And then I realized, like, this guy's kind of a liar because in person with his friends, he was like, I don't know, he was like, Oh man, you're just so funny, and he'd be laughing with his friends, and then the second we got back, he was just like, Yeah, honestly, I can't stand my friends. Like, I don't feel like my friends are good enough for me, and I just feel like they're not as cool as I am. And he was just like getting like dissing them and saying how horrible they were. And then when I saw that he talked about these pretty good people, like I didn't think these were horrible people he was talking about, and I barely knew them, but these are the people that he keeps closest to him. I'm like, first of all, if you think they're a horrible person or they're horrible people, why are you hanging out with them? And then secondly, I realized, wait a second, if I were to date this guy, he would be talking about me to his friends like this when I wasn't there, because he was all friendly with his friends in person, and then the second he wasn't with them, behind closed doors, he was like, I hate them and they're horrible and I don't like them. And I just envisioned if he was talking to his friend about me, if we ended up married, he'd be like, I hate my wife and he's horrible, even when he's putting on a different show. And then I kind of realized, wait, that guy's kind of an actor because he can show one thing to a person's face and say something else behind their back. And I think also how they treat waiters, how the guy's treating people in his life, how he treats his mom. I think that's huge. I think um I don't know, a lot of first dates with guys, and they'd be super nice to me. They'd be charming, they'd be great, and I'd think, wow, he's just a great guy. But then I'd I'd realize if his number one goal is landing you, he's gonna be amazing to you. He that's his goal. He's gonna just put his best foot forward. But what he's gonna forget to mask is he's probably gonna forget to mask how he talks to the waiter, how he interacts with the person that asks him to like move his car and parking at the restaurant. Like he's not gonna remember to fake that. I mean, some guys can fake that as well, but I think that the way he treats other people is a way more accurate depiction of who he is as a person than how he treats you, because how he treats you can be totally fake. And I think a lot of guys treated me amazing the first three dates, but on like the first date, he'd say something rude to the waiter, and then I just ignore that because I'm like, oh, but he's so nice to me. But then, like, four dates in, he'd start to treat me like how he treated the waiter on the first date because that was his true personality, and then I realized, whoa, like I should have noticed that little sign earlier, and that that's how he treats, especially how he treats women in his life. There are some guys that I dated, or one guy in particular, and he treated his mom horribly, and his mom was a lovely, wonderful person who was very sweet, kind, and caring, and he just like took advantage of her. And then I just imagined my future with him, and I'm like, if he treats this lovely woman so badly, like he got in this massive argument with her and was just like kind of yelling at her. I was like, he's never yelled at me, but like he said his mom. I feel like he implied his mom was a great person. It wasn't like she was some toxic bad mom, and he was just like screaming at her. I was like, Whoa, I could be a nice, kind woman in this guy's life, and in ten years from now, or in one year from now, or in six months from now, he'll be screaming at me like he's screaming at his mom, and then I was like out.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Another red flag is if a guy doesn't have a plan, because if a guy doesn't have a plan, like where he sees himself in two years or one year, then he's never gonna have a plan. Also, for you, he'll never have a plan when he wants to get married, so he will drag it out for like ten years, you know. So ask, like just inquire, you know, like what's what's the plan? What's your life plan? And then see how far has he planned his life.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

That's so true. You knew exactly where you wanted to go. So when I knew you were convicted person that could make decisions, you had your life together, and if there's a guy that doesn't have his life together, he's never gonna have your relationship together. Like, there were so many guys that are like they'd be a mess, and then I just think, oh, but you're gonna treat our relationship well. Like, no, it's gonna your relationship's gonna be a mess too if his personal life's a mess. How do you truly get over an ex-partner and when do you know you're ready for the next guy? Uh, the best way I got over any ex I dated was absolutely no contact after breaking up with them and clearly communicating during the breakup, which my mom told me this. And it's very tempting as a woman when you break up with a guy to want to like talk to him a little bit the next week, and then it's fun and talk to him for a few months afterwards. I have some friends that they go through a breakup and then they talk to the guy for like six months. I had a friend called me and it kind of explained this process when she was talking about how she was in like so much pain over her breakup. And I think her breakup was like six or eight months ago. And if I was in her same situation, I would also feel an absurd amount of pain because when you're constantly poking an open wound, it's gonna hurt. And I was just like, my mom gave me the advice that when you break up with a guy, you break up 100% and then you don't talk to him again after that, and end the breakup. If you're breaking up with a nice guy, end it positively. Like I would break up with guys and be like, this was a great relationship because I dated some great guys, but that I just knew I wasn't meant for them and they weren't meant for me. I'd break up in a positive way and then clearly communicate there is nothing you can say or do that will ever get me back. I've 100% made the decision that we're not meant for each other. And when you clearly say the 100%, all of a sudden they like stopped reaching out because I remember I broke up with this guy and I broke up with him, but I didn't say the 100% line, and he just like flooded my phone with like messages trying to win me back, offering to mail me letters to win me back, like this whole show. And then the second I was like, there is 100% nothing you can do to win me back, all of a sudden he was radio silent, and I finally was able to get a sense of peace. If you're constantly poking an open wound, it will hurt when you cut someone out of your life. It's painful, uh, it doesn't look pretty, it hurts. But the best thing you can do is not touch it and walk the other way, and then that will allow healing. And I'm so glad my mom told me to do that because I know that if I kept talking with the guys I broke up with for like months afterwards, I wouldn't have made room for Niklov's. And I wouldn't have like after a breakup, I would have spent six months still talking to him, then I wouldn't have emotional clarity or room to like let in a better relationship.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Yeah, I think your approach is the best because I tried to stay friends or something, but now looking back, like those relationships were never like after you break up, staying friends doesn't make much sense because the relationship quality is not that high. There's no future for that relationship because you don't want to invest in it, like it's dead end.

SPEAKER_02 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

And then yeah, whatever you invest in that relationship to keep it going at least a little bit, it takes away from all other relationships. So because there's no free K, right? There's always if you add something one place, you take it away from the other place. So I'd rather they just invest in this relationship 100% than just uh cut all the other even friendly relationships and solve.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

That's awesome. If you guys want to submit any additional questions for Nicola's and I to answer, we got so many on Instagram. Feel free to go to my Instagram at Maureen's Mindset and submit them there for the next podcast episode. I hope this was helpful and I cannot wait to see you guys build your dream life, meet your dream man, or cultivate the relationship with the guy you already have and make it the best relationship ever. You've got this.