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Flowers on Tuesday | Relationship Advice
🤍 Hosted by Maureen Evelyn
You're not asking for too much. You're just tired of being the one who plans, texts first, and wonders where it's going.
Every week on Flowers on Tuesday, Maureen Evelyn and her husband Niklavs answer your real questions about dating and relationships, the ones you'd only ask your group chat at 1am. Age gaps. Red flags. Situationships that won't define themselves. Why he went distant. What to say when you want more and don't want to scare him off.
The difference here: you get both answers. Hers and his. Most dating advice is women guessing about men. On this show, you hear it straight from one.
Maureen is the founder of Alora, a dating and relationship app that's answered over 100,000 questions from women who were done guessing. This is that, out loud, no games, no tactics.
Just warm, direct advice on building the kind of love where he shows up without being asked. Unprompted. On a Tuesday. Flowers in hand.
New episodes every week. Send us your question and we might answer it on the show.
Try Alora free for 7 days: alora.love/7dayfreetrial
Flowers on Tuesday | Relationship Advice
Why He Goes Cold: The Dating Mistake You're Making
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Why does it feel like 8 out of 10 guys you like turn avoidant? In this episode, Niklavs and I break down the real psychology behind why men pull away, and why chasing them only makes it worse.
We cover how to spot a truly avoidant man vs. one who's just busy, why putting yourself first makes you more magnetic, and how I went from being ghosted constantly to Niklavs flying 4,000 miles for me. If you're tired of overthinking every text, this one's for you.
If you want personalized dating advice download our app Alora https://alora.love/7dayfreetrial
Why do men pull away as soon as you get close with them? I was thinking about this and when I was dating, I feel like eight out of every ten men that I was interested in, I'd label them as avoidant or they'd pull away and it would drive me crazy because I was like, why can't the guy that I am investing all this effort in not just like me back? And I feel like Ben felt fell into two buckets. I either wasn't interested in the guy at all, or I was interested in him. But if I was interested in the guy, eight out of eight out of ten times he wasn't interested in me back and he was avoidant, and I was like, so just something I can say that will bring him in, what can I do? How can I talk to him to make him not avoidant? From a guy's perspective, what's going on? Why is he doing this? Should I invest my valuable time into trying to convince him to invest in effort?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, depends whether the guy is actually avoidant or is he just busy. So need to be really clear which one is it. So if he hasn't responded for maybe like 12 hours, you know, he might be just busy. But if it's been like a week and he makes you wonder, you know, like when is he gonna text you? Is he interested? Then better is not to spend your energy onto this guy.
SPEAKER_01Because you deserve a guy that makes you feel loved, safe, and happy. And more often than not, if I was having a look up a YouTube video about a guy I was handling, because I used to do this, like I used to be in that spot, he's probably not worth your time. And that's good because I want to help you find a guy that is worth your time. And there's a lot of mistakes that I used to make that are easily avoidable. Like when he hasn't texted back for five hours, following up three times isn't gonna make you him like you more. And I think from a guy's perspective, you can kind of talk on this too. Like, you can't starve love. I read this quote that was talking about you can't starve love, but love can die on like indigestion basically of like too much of it. So, like if a woman texts you ten times, how does that make you feel? Versus if a woman just kind of doesn't respond for a while, you're not gonna which woman are you gonna pick and like which woman's gonna kind of scare you off versus which woman are you like gonna invest more time in?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so if I get 10 texts from a woman after a date, very eager, then I wonder on the back of my mind, am I the best guy that she's ever gone out to? Maybe it's not logical. Yeah, but that's what the guy wonders why she's so into me. Maybe like I'm so much better in a way, that it's like, okay, something's up, something's not right. So you wonder. However, if she like texts one kind message telling you you had a good like they had you had a great time, then it's different because you know, okay, okay, she just kind of likes you, and she probably has a full life of her own. She doesn't think you you're like the greatest ever, so you kinda want to prove her that you are the greatest ever. So you put in that extra effort on the next step.
SPEAKER_01Because you want to make sure you keep her in, like when we were dating, how did the way I texted you feel?
SPEAKER_00I think I suspect now and I know you better, I think you wanted to text way more than you did, and you did very good that you didn't text me that much. Because I I at the time was a very busy guy, and I think I would be a bit overwhelmed if you text me as much as you wanted. So I really appreciated that you didn't demand that we text as much as you wanted to text.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because after I met Nikolaus, my natural inclination, I think women often have this inclination because women are very giving, was I wanted to text him every hour on the hour, every 30 minutes, every 15 minutes. I wanted to call you constantly, FaceTime you constantly, but I watched YouTube videos, I listened to podcasts, I read relationship books, and I learned that like there are some fundamental truths that like if I'm focused on making myself the happiest version of me ever, I remember I was living in Arizona, and then I would just like go to the pool, or like I'd hang out at the hot tub for two hours and read a book, or I'd watch a movie, watch a TV series, make tea, scale up my business, make more money. Like I just do anything that made me happy. And when I started doing that in dating, whether it was you or the guys I dated before you, when I had that approach, men were like all over me. They wanted to be with me, they wanted to prove themselves to me, they wanted to invest all this time, effort, and money into me. When I went on dates with guys, and then immediately after the day, I was texting them every hour on the hour, they'd like dose me, disappear, vanish. But the relationship would continue for like a few weeks because I was pulling 90% of the weight. So the relationship could stay afloat because I was putting in all the effort. Whereas if I didn't put in on all that effort, the relationship would have died in like two days. And I think women are scared of losing a relationship, but losing a relationship with a man that's not meant for you and a man that's not investing and a man that's not putting in the effort is good. You want to lose those men, you want to lose those relationships. I remember I was taking a class, and this guy, I wanted him to like me, so I was just always thinking about what do I text him? I'd watch YouTube videos, what do men like to be texted? What can I say to him next time I see him that will make him like me? And honestly, if I just focused on like doing the work in that class and just focusing on myself and being happy and laughing with my friends or doing whatever I actually liked doing instead of just hyper-obsessing over what did he want me to be more like, he probably would have talked to me 10 times more than we ended up talking. And like, yeah, I'm so glad that that didn't work out because it made room for a better guy. Like it's easy to think in your mind that if you lose a relationship, that's the end of the world. But it's like there will always be another relationship, and more often than not, if you continue to self-improve, every next relationship will be better until you find your person, and then you're at that level where you find a person that you can spend the rest of your life with, which is amazing. Another question I thought was interesting was like, should I reach out to him first or let him come to me? And I think we have an interesting perspective on this because I was the one that asked you to coffee, so I'm all about like putting in the initiative at first, but I also learned that I shouldn't always be the one investing first because that's dangerous for me to invest effort in. I think in our relationship, I didn't reach out first when we were texting every single time after we met because I don't want to invest that effort in you. But like, how do you feel about that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we want to let the guy know that it's safe for him to approach you. Because these days I think a lot of men are just worried if I approach you first, I'm gonna come off creepy or like she's gonna reject me like super hard because she's I don't know, in a different relationship, whatever. So it's actually these days, men don't approach women that much.
SPEAKER_01Especially if you're a successful, super attractive woman, the more I poured into my health, beauty, finances, the less men approached me because I honestly think they were scared. And I talked to some family members about this and they explained their marriages and they said the same thing. Like a lot of times guys are scared to approach attractive, successful women, unless those guys are like a cheater, and cheaters aren't scared to approach successful, attractive women. Because I had a lot of sketchy guys or guys that I just felt the cheater vibe from approach me and like ask for my number immediately. But like all the good guys, I feel like most of the good relationships I had, I was the one that made the first move, and then I backed off and I didn't make a second move.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. So you kind of just wave and smile a little, let them know that you are approachable, and then you'll let it let it go yourself. You don't plan anything, you make the guy lead because then you get an answer. Will he be the one who leads? Will he be the one who plans the dates? Like yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I think you don't you actually get the most out of a man if you let him invest in you. Like, for example, if we're here right now, and for those of you listening to the podcast, I'm like leaning in Nick Love. There's no space between us. You don't really have much room to get close to me and give me effort. And then if I lean back in my chair and I focus on being happy, all of a sudden you can start you can you can start bringing me water, you can give me snacks, you can bring me a picnic, you can invest all this time in me. But when I'm like suffocating you right on top of you, why would you come closer to me? I feel like men are like men are like squirrels, and if you're in the woods and you're chasing down a squirrel, squirrel's gonna run. Versus if you make your life amazing and happy and you just like throw some trail mix out, aka you smile and wave and throw some trail mix, all of a sudden you've got like 500 squirrels at your ankle that are begging to be with you. And then you can pick the squirrel you love. So it's like a fine balance between throwing enough trail mix, but also not like chasing after one squirrel, and that squirrel's gonna just run to the end of the earth to avoid you because it can feel that energy that you're not putting that effort into yourself. And like, why are you chasing a squirrel you haven't yet met? You don't even know if that squirrel's good. That squirrel can be horrible. I remember when, like, in the beginning stages of meeting a new guy, if he would chase me too hard, it like the first day I met him, I was just thinking, I might be crazy, I might be a horrible person. Like, why is he putting so much effort in before he even gets to know me? And I think that's the problem I used to make when I first met a guy. I was just like convinced, oh, I'm just gonna put a ton of effort in. But even as a woman, when a guy puts too much effort in in the first minute or two, I'm like, this doesn't make sense. I feel like I haven't earned this effort. So I feel like no matter who you are in a relationship, what this podcast is for women, like it's better if you start with a little effort and then you slowly increase your effort as he's earned it. Like as he invests more in you, you can invest more back in him, especially if you're dealing with a guy that you think is avoidant. The best way to deal with a guy that might be avoiding is one realize you don't want a truly avoidant guy, because an avoidant guy won't make a good husband, a good boyfriend, a good father, whatever. But if he's just a little bit avoidant and maybe he's just busy and he just has a life and you might just be a bit anxious, like realizing that if you pour all that time and effort into yourself, he will come to you and as long as he has like an invite, go for it.
SPEAKER_00And also if you chase this one squirrel, you're expanding all that energy on this one squirrel, versus if you I I love your uh analogy about putting the trail mix, because if you put the trail mix, you get a bunch of squirrels, so you can be way more picky. So you can just and then you see there's actually that many squirrels as soon as you stop chasing one squirrel.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you can't notice all the other squirrels when you're locked in on one. And I think moving to an environment where there were better men than the small town I used to live in, like moving to a better environment, you might be in the wrong woods. Like some women are like, no guys are approaching me, or the only guys I'm finding are avoidant. Some woods are only filled with avoidant chipmunks, and you might be in a town or a city that's just filled with avoidant chipmunks. But the other thing I will challenge a perception on is if the last 12 out of 12 guys have been avoidant, you could be the issue. And that was me at one point. Like every single guy was avoidant because the only guys I were going after were the guys that had zero interest in me, because to me that was interesting and that was kind of fun. But then when I learned to like focus on make myself happy, I actually left room for the guys that were good and not avoidant to step forward. Because I think when you're successful in life, you just assume that the best opportunities require an absurd amount of work. So I was convinced that the right guy for me would be extremely painful to land, and I'd have to put in an absurd amount of work to make it happen, and then that would mean that like I earned him, and then he was like the guy that was meant for me. But really, when you find a right relationship, it was so easy when I met you. Like it wasn't painful, it was easy. It was like the first thing of my life that I didn't feel like I had to work for to make it work, like it didn't feel like any work at all. And I mean the best relationships, especially in dating, like it doesn't feel like any work at all. Like you meet that guy, and then it's just like he's investing in you, he makes you feel good, he makes you feel calm. I think the only reason I got to that level in my life was because I poured so much energy into myself that the only people that stayed in my life are the ones that also poured energy into me, too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and you became so magnetic, actually. Like what? I moved from London, I flew all the way to our zona that to get you on uh like a car trip back home. Like you were magnetic. Stop chasing those guys. Yeah, and I'm very happy that you did chase those guys because I ended up with you, but yeah, you were super magnetic.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you traveled over 4,000 miles, and I used to be the type of woman that had 10 guys that weren't texting me back. That's because you're the same person. I'm the same person. Learn these strategies. Like I and people will be like, oh, it's playing games. Yeah, life is a game, and if you have the rules to win, you can win every time. And once I learned these things about men, everything got easier. So someone will say, Oh, I don't want to play games. Great, don't play the game, but you can win if you learn these methods, which is why both players are so more so much more happy because I love how magnetic you are.
SPEAKER_00So I really like that. If you ever played any games or whatever, like I'm happy with that because now we're happily married, so yeah, play games.
SPEAKER_01And I got way happier when I stopped investing all this time into men because I think it's just like kind of have to undo your biology a little bit because you just think you crave a partner so badly that you'll do anything to make that happen, but it's that that ends up killing their relationship, which is very counterintuitive. How do you make an avoidant man miss you? I think that's a great question, and the best way to do that is to not be constantly in his face, texting him, following up, asking when to hang out, putting in effort. It's like very similar advice for all of these questions in dealing with an avoidant. You're more magnetic with some space.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And you should let him know that you're interested. After that, you basically if you're gonna text him, and you shouldn't have texted him if you already texted him, but the first text should be super warm, super kind, and all that, and you so he knows that you're interested, but then you step away and that and then you get your answer.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, go to your own thing, and yeah, I think learning that is hard because it's very easy to just think that you craft the perfect text that will fix the relationship. I think because if two women were having an issue, if you just talk it out, it fixes it. But I think for men it's different.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, men don't like talking things out. It's like it sounds horrible to a guy. If you want to talk things out, it's like like guys don't want to talk.
SPEAKER_01Which is weird, but once you learn that it does change the game, and it's easy to think like, oh, that's horrible that men act that way, and yeah, maybe it is horrible, but also like when you understand that and you use it to your advantage, you actually start winning like every time. Another question is why do I always attract these emotionally unavailable men? And I think it goes back to the chipmunk thing. You might be chasing these avoidant chipmunks down, that's why you're always ending up with them. I know this is how I was. I would like chase guys, and that's why every guy was running because I was chasing. And once I started chasing my own dreams and chasing what made me happy, all of a sudden I had a bunch of runners, guys running after me. And then I could just kind of look over my shoulder and just be like, Yeah, I'll take runner B. I'll take runner C. Like, I want to, I'll try I'll take this runner on a date. Yeah, that's great. And I could just kind of look over my shoulder, but it wasn't the number one thing in my life, which is very hard to do, especially if you're on a timeline. You want to prioritize having dating as your number one priority, finding your husband. I felt like I knew that the person you marry is the most important decision you'll ever make in your life. So I really wanted to set dating as my number one priority. Like I wanted that to be the thing that I put at the front and center. But when I had that as my number one priority, ironically, it made dating horrible. And when I put myself and my leveling up and my self-improvement and my happiness is my number one priority, all of a sudden my dating got like ten times better.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so going slower actually made you move faster than when you took a step back on dating and then just poured all that effort into yourself. And even if you had some guys already that you're dating, you didn't super invest in them. Although, yeah, you wanted to get married pretty soon, but you didn't invest crazy amounts of energy into them thinking that's gonna move it forward faster.
SPEAKER_01For sure. And if anyone listening to this podcast has any questions, feel free to drop them in the comment section on this video or podcast because we'd love to answer exactly what's going on in your life right now, how it's working for you, what you're feeling, and then we can talk into that because I know every single scenario has a different has different advice, right? Like you might be in a situation where the advice is yeah, do this or say this. Or you might be in a situation where it's like, yeah, that guy's horrible, break up at that guy and move on. I hope this was helpful and thank you so much for listening to this episode. And I cannot wait to see you find your guy.
