You're not asking for too much. You're just tired of being the one who plans, texts first, and wonders where it's going.
Every week on Flowers on Tuesday, Maureen Evelyn and her husband Niklavs answer your real questions about dating and relationships, the ones you'd only ask your group chat at 1am. Age gaps. Red flags. Situationships that won't define themselves. Why he went distant. What to say when you want more and don't want to scare him off.
The difference here: you get both answers. Hers and his. Most dating advice is women guessing about men. On this show, you hear it straight from one.
Maureen is the founder of Alora, a dating and relationship app that's answered over 100,000 questions from women who were done guessing. This is that, out loud, no games, no tactics.
Just warm, direct advice on building the kind of love where he shows up without being asked. Unprompted. On a Tuesday. Flowers in hand.
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In this episode we break down exactly why doing more for a man actually can end up pushing him away from you and exactly what to do instead.
If you've been cooking for him, texting first, planning the dates, and somehow he still feels further away than when you started this, this podcast is going to be uncomfortable because the thing you think is making him love you is the exact thing making him get pushed away.
The moment you started doing more was the exact moment he started doing less and that's not a coincidence.
Men don't fall in love with what you do for them, if he's a good man. They fall in love with how they feel around you, and a woman who's exhausted from over giving doesn't feel good to be around.
We break down why the women that have their own life are the most magnetic, and why over-giving might be silently destroying your relationship, and what to do about it instead.
Want personalized relationship advice at any moment? Download the app we created together Alora. https://alora.love/7dayfreetrial
If you've been cooking, texting him first, planning dates, investing more in him than he invests in you, and yet he feels farther away from you than he did in the beginning of the relationship. This video, this podcast is for you. You are in the right place. And the things we're going to tell you today are going to feel uncomfortable because the exact things you're doing that you think make him love you more actually push him farther away. But the good news is there's an easier approach. There's something better you can do instead that takes a lot less effort. And when I learned this, my relationships completely changed. You don't have to read a thousand books to figure this out. This is the only video you need. The first thing I want to talk about is why men don't fall in love with you based on what you do for them. They fall in love with how they feel when they are around you. And a woman who's exhausted from overgiving doesn't feel good to be around. Niklavs, what's your perspective on this?
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, guys don't care about how much you do for them. They care way more about how you make them feel when they do something for you. For instance, when I bring you flowers, I really like how over the top you are with your joy, saying how how caring I am. I really, really like how you make me feel whenever I do something for you. While if you would do something for me, it doesn't have the same effect. And I know a lot of my friends have the same thing. They have this provider mindset where they want to provide and then be rewarded for it.
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm. And it's tricky that men are like this because women that are overgivers and that are good people like want to pour into their guy. And I used to pour into the guy by doing like things for them or getting things for them or giving them gifts, and then I realized that my words were actually way more powerful. And when you lean into words of affirmation for men, they actually end up most of the time appreciating that more. Would you prefer I get you a gift or would you prefer I just like compliment you?
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, please no gifts. We have now this policy that basically you should never get me gifts. I don't like gifts, it's not my life language. I like giving you gifts. I know you like gifts, but for me, um much more I much more appreciate when you just tell me what you like when when I do something nice. For instance, when I come and pick you up. You know, you feel like you you give me this feeling that I'm protector, that I'm provider, that I care about you. And yeah, I like I like this image of myself in my head.
SPEAKER_01
What if women are with a guy that aren't investing anything into her and they feel the need to step up and plan the dates and text him first and remember things about him in order to keep their relationship alive?
SPEAKER_00
Quite the opposite, I think. If the guy is not investing anything, I think women would be better off taking a step back and seeing whether the guy steps up at all. And then if he doesn't, great. You got your you got your answer. What is his capacity?
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm. Because I used to just want a guy so much that I was like willing to do whatever it took to keep the relationship alive, but then I got miserable in the relationship because I had to do so much to keep the relationship working, and I had no idea that a guy like you existed where you do way more for me than I do for you, and that is what you like and what I like. So we both win. And I used to be in a lose-lose situation where I would do more for a guy, he didn't even appreciate it. I think he felt bad about it because he wasn't even reciprocating at the level, so he didn't feel like a provider because I was doing so much for him, and then I hated the relationship because I felt like I was overgiving, and then I started to breed resentment for the guys I was with because I was just exhausted because they weren't investing anything to me. And I think if the guy you're with is not investing anything into you, it's probably not the guy you want to be with for the rest of your life. But also, let's say you're with a guy that's 80% of the way there, if you actually take a step back and pour more time into yourself, he's gonna feel that magnetic pull and want to do more for you as well. And I talk to a lot of women in my DMs and they're like, oh, this guy I'm with, he's like a nine out of 10, everything's working except for this one thing. I think investing less things or services into him, stop doing that and just start complimenting anytime he does something right, like positive, reinforce the things you like about him, and he'll start doing more of that, and that might be able to take your nine out of 10 guy to a 10 out of 10 guy because he's gonna want to provide even more, invest even more in you. But I think women have a tendency to overgive in relationships and instead pour that effort into yourself because he'll like that and you'll like that better. And when I started doing this and I just focused on like my glow up, whether that's physically, emotionally, spiritually, pouring all that time into those things, I became way more fulfilled. And then our relationship is super magnetic because I'm focused on me and I'm not focused on you. And also you're focused on you first as the first priority, and then we both try to overgive to each other. But if you both have each other as the first priority, then you kind of like stop going to the gym yourself because you're too focused about talking to your partner about his habits. So like I think everyone needs to be their own first priority, but then on top of that, then you can both look at serving each other in the love languages that work the best. Another point that I thought was really interesting that I wanted to bring up is a woman who has her own life, her own morning routine, her own plans on a random night is more attractive than the woman who clears her entire schedule for him. What is this like for you? Maybe you can talk about some of our first dates, how I had like my own life still, how I didn't drop everything for you. Whereas like in previous relationships, I definitely would drop everything in those relationships didn't work out. But which woman would you prefer?
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, having woman who has her own life going on is way more magnetic. And for that kind of woman, well, I know when I met you, I w I was just okay, I had way other priorities, but I realized, okay, I need to actually shift my priorities and drop some of it and focus on you. Um and that definitely was partly because I saw that you're you're you have your own life and that you're moving. You're doing your own stuff. And if I don't stop what I'm doing to a certain extent and start chasing you a little bit, you're gonna move away. You're gonna go somewhere and I will never well, never see you again. But not so dramatic, maybe, but yeah.
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm. I think that's really interesting because I never realized that about men. I thought men would love me more if I just canceled everything for them because I think for women, if a man cancels everything for you, that's like wow, he was able to make that happen and he's investing so much in you, like that's such a green flag. But then also you want a guy that's like pursuing his goals and chasing his dreams. But I think it's interesting that men and women are completely different in dating, and if you cancel everything for him, he's not gonna like that. And for years I would cancel my plans for the guy I was dating, and then I'd wonder why is the relationship not that magnetic? Why is he not showering me in gifts? Why is he not showering me in affection? Why do I not feel magnetic? Why am I resentful towards him? Why is this relationship not the best relationship ever? Because I was literally dropping everything that made me happy. Oh, I had a hobby, I'd just get rid of that hobby if he wanted to see me on Tuesday. And then I'd resent it the relationship, him, I wasn't happy.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, and when you have your own life, it allows there to be a space. And guys, at least masculine guys, I think, uh, they do like space in their life.
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
So it just if you drop everything and like now the guy is always the focus, always you're available to the guy, then there's not enough space, and guys like space.
SPEAKER_01
Mm-hmm. I think it's interesting that no amount of space can kill like the right love. Because if you think about men for hundreds of thousands of years, you can be I mean, you were on the other side of the globe from me. We were over 4,000 miles apart, we did long distance. Space will not kill a good relationship, I don't think, and if anything, it makes a good relationship more magnetic. Space can totally kill a bad relationship, but I think space with the right relationship will always be something that can be a positive because it just makes you want the other person even more. And anytime I gave a guy space, the good guys would want me more. If I gave bad guys more space, they'd vanish and I'd never see them again, and that's what you want. So either way, giving some space, and I'm not talking about him ghosting you for two weeks and you tolerating that level of space. I'm talking about you don't need to text him back one second after he texts you if you're in the middle of doing something else. If you're free and available, feel free to respond when it's most convenient. But I used to watch these YouTube videos, it's like calculations on if he texts you in 32 minutes, then you need to subtract seven and add 32. And I would like think about this so over the top. But what you need to realize is make your life so spectacular that you naturally are busy. Like, don't fake being busy. I used to fake being busy and think that this did the same thing, but these men could feel that it was fake, like they could feel that. Like when I would wait 42 and a half minutes to text a guy back, if he texted me in 40 minutes and he knows that I have nothing going on, like he can feel that. And then when I actually just got a spectacular life poured into myself, I got so much happier. He could feel that happiness, and it made dating and relationships like 10 times better. Even if you're in a long-term relationship, pouring time into hanging out with your friends or going and doing a hobby, like that will always make you more magnetic to the guy you're with. And I don't think that ever makes you less magnetic to have your own life because I think women have a tendency to just drop everything and overinvest, which is very nice and sweet of you, but you actually don't have to be that nice in order to get a guy to like you, and he might actually like you more, he will like you more when you have your own life. Um, I think this is another interesting point. Overgiving is usually a quiet way of trying to earn something you're afraid you don't deserve for free. What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_00
That's a good one. Um if, for instance, I started a date a woman and straight away I would get 10 messages, invitations to go on a date and stuff, I'm like You're kind of feeling a little bit like why is she doing this?
SPEAKER_01
Like, does she not have her own life? Does she want me so badly that maybe she's below my level, so she's trying to put in more effort in order to make herself at your level or something?
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, exactly. Like kind of like trying too hard repulses me. And I wonder actually why exactly it is, but it was the case when s the other person is too eager. Oh, you know what? Maybe because it didn't allow for a chase. And I think a lot of masculine guys want to have a bit of a chase. And if the I don't know what to call women a prey, but like if the prey is coming to you in l in in the in nature, it means that something's a little bit off. What what's going on?
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, that makes sense. Um and I think I used to overgive to guys that I thought, oh, if I overgive, then he'll like me. And I would try to pick these guys that were basically avoidant, and I was just wasting my time because you deserve a guy that like is there for you, makes you feel good. And yeah, it's easy to hate the game and be like, oh well, I wish men weren't like this. And you can stay in that mindset, or you can choose to kind of learn these things and then win the game and win men. And when I read all these Both bar days will be way happier. Yeah, you'll be happier, he'll be happier. Um, and then I like that pulling back is not a game, it's returning to yourself. And I think what's interesting is he will either rise to meet you or reveal that he was never going to meet you anyway. So it really isn't a game to pull back. It's you doing the life you had before him. It's you being you. It's not you being weird, it's not you, oh, doing some tactics, some strategy. I'm literally just saying, be you, have the life you had, don't lose everything that makes you amazing and throw yourself all into him. Because, like, if he's a boat and you throw yourself into that boat, you don't even know if that boat floats, you don't know if that boat's gonna last storms. You want to kind of observe that boat from your boat. Look at is that boat gonna be able to like provide for you? Is that boat a good boat? Can that boat stand the test of time? And if you're so eager to throw yourself into that boat, you don't know what that boat is even like. He might be a disaster, he doesn't deserve your investment. So when you pour all that time into yourself instead, like he's gonna either step up or step out, and you wanna give him permission to step up or step out, and you will gather more data about him if you give him space, and it's uncomfortable to give him space, but like start gifting yourself things. I saw this Instagram reel that was very interesting, and this woman was like, POV, I was about to buy my husband a gift, but then I realized the best gift I could give to my husband was my own happiness, and that was the best gift I could give him. So instead I bought myself a gift, and that's how I live my life. Like I go and buy myself gifts, and then I am happy, and then I go home, and I'm happy when I see Nick Gloves.
SPEAKER_00
My birthday's coming up so they can buy yourself a gift.
SPEAKER_01
And that makes our relationship work so well. And I used to be the type of woman that would buy all these gifts for the guy I was with, and then wonder why does he not really like me that much? Because men are completely different. They want, I think good men want to show you and invest in you, and then you reward them for that with your emotions or your happiness, and that works really well.
SPEAKER_00
No, exactly. And on a women's side, there's no amount of space that will be will make the guy like you less. So you can live your life, take as much space as you want, and as and take it as slow as you want as well. And like don't rush things because it will not kill the interest. Like it just doesn't happen. Guys don't get less interested if you take it slow and just like give it a bit of space.
SPEAKER_01
I can't wait to see you implement this to make your relationship way more magnetic. If you have any questions or you want us to cover a different topic in the next podcast and YouTube video, feel free to drop them below. Invest in yourself. You are deserving of that. Pour into your own cup first. You've got this. I can't wait to see you unlock your dream relationship.
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